Do you know how like…….. most of the confidence-y boosty things are about like… accepting yourself and being shamelessly yourself and standing up to anyone who might want to stop you or make you ashamed of who you are and I could never quite relate to that because… I can’t accept myself and I can’t shamelessly be myself because I’m nothing. I don’t have dreams, I don’t have ambitions, the only hint of a personality I have is patchworks of fictional characters so it’s like… nobody’s really attacking me. I don’t have to defend myself and brave any weather cause there is none. I just am. And what I am is nothing. There’s nothing to be about me. Even if I loved myself I’d still be nothing and I’d still be going nowhere. You know? 

How to be me:

1) refuse to try to get better because you don’t think you can/deserve it
2) think your friends and family only like you because they pity you
3) feel even worse and even further cement your belief that you will never get better
4) live your entire life in utter terror that your friends and family will one day realise you’ll never get better and say “you know what? you’re right, we only ever liked you because we pitied you but you’re right, you’ll never get better and it’s not worth our time and effort” and leave you

One reason I wouldn’t be a good writeblr is cause those guys are all about spreading positivity and encouraging and I’m the most cynical piece of shit in the world, I’d just be a huge grey cloud on their skies.

Co-worker: oh look, here’s a job offer for a project manager. [Me], don’t you want to look at it?
Me: oh no, thanks.
Co-worker: why? You’d be so good at it!
Me: oh no, I’m not good for anything, I’m 100% useless
Co-worker: …
Me, whose head is 24/7 occupied with self-degrading thoughts: wat
Co-worker: how can you say that, it’s horrible!
Me: uh, syke! I was just kidding haha, I’ll look at that job offer later, thanks ^^

Last month my co-worker was furious as fuck that I didn’t report our workers’ days off in the system that calculates their salary accordingly to days missed and sick leaves and stuff, and yelled at me for twenty minutes that I should always do it during the third week of the month because if I do it on the last week it’ll be too late and the workers’ salaries won’t show it that month but a month later and there’ll be problems cause they’ll come in and demand we tell them why their next month’s salary is less and we’ll have to dig up month-old reports to prove they still got the money they should’ve.

So today, on the 29th of March the substitute supervisor of our workers comes in to tell me it’s raining so it’s a special kinda like… it’s not a day off, it’s not a sick leave, it’s when factors beyond the employees’ or employers’ control makes working impossible (like rain). They get a reduced salary for those days and they can go home.

So I tell this sub supervisor that okay, obviously, I’ll give him a form to get the workers to sign so we can show them they agreed to the reduced salary so there are no problems later. I also ask him to tell the workers that this reduction won’t show on their salaries until their April salary.

Obviously, then my co-worker barges in like why wouldn’t it show? So I tell her what she told me a literal month ago, that since this is happening today I can only report it to the system for calculation today and according to my co-worker the 29th of a month is too late. So then my co-worker proceeds to drag me in front of the sub supervisor that I’m an idiot and I’m spreading lies and fear among the workers.

Me: okay, I need to get back to writing.
Brain: you’re not talented, you know that, right?
Me: yes, I know. Now, writing…
Brain: nobody’s ever gonna love you.
Me: writtttinggg… wordssss…. words….
Brain: you’ve gotten so fat.
Me: plot plot plot plot plot plot plot
Brain: you’re going to rot in this place you hate, you’ll rot here forever.
Me: *hands against my ears* I can’t hear you, I’m writing
Brain: nothing you do is valuable in any way.
Me: nOThign You Do iS VAlUaBle In aNY WaY

Me: writing goes kind of well tonight, this is so cool ^^
My brain: that’s nice but where is your life going? you’re stuck at a dead-end job that pays like shit, you have no talents and ambitions and you’re a disappointment to your family. your writing is a good tenporary distraction but your life hasn’t moved forward in seven years and you’re wasting your youth. this small triumph is worthless and you’re a fool for believing anything else.
Me: alright, damn