Tag: mediocre young adult

The past three days I’ve been having these confusing and unpleasant dreams and I shit you not all three nights since I found out I’ve dreamt of my form master in one way or form. I haven’t dreamt this much of my grandma when she died, holy hell. (Though I’m grateful for that cause the few times I have dreamt of her she was a zombie or a walking corpse so. That was fun and totally didn’t fuck me up for weeks.)

Anyway the first night I think I dreamt of the class coming together for his funeral and this one classmate of mine was really cool to me about it and I got hugged (all three of my dreams also included me getting hugged, anyway how love/touch-deprived do you have to be to dream of getting hugged all the time) and it was really nice, and we went back to this one classroom of ours. I’m not sure what we were doing there but you know, classmates were there and we were talking and stuff. But then I got abandoned for a cooler classmate of mine so it was realistic x)

The second dream I actually made notes for at night so I wouldn’t forget what I dreamt, here are my notes.

“Dzentkanis tay sw7ft a6to verdeny anna mall pußi grandma house parrot spit cry”

So Anna was there, that’s nice x) Taylor Swift though? No idea. Grandma house. I’m trying to think I think it was about selling my grandma’s house and it being empty but I’m not entirely sure. Anyway I do remember that in this dream I went back to my high school but it was much bigger and on this huge area where it had like a uni part and like, it was an entire campus right. And I wanted to find our tableau and my form master’s photo was like covered with a black cloth. And before that I think I dreamt of another funeral and people were placing these wreaths on this huge monument which was supposed to be his grave… I don’t fucking know.

And I was inside the buildings and I think I wanted to find my teachers or at least the old building that I went to and had to walk around the whole thing cause I kept losing my way. And there was this tiny dude, student, person, who was walking around with me.

And then I was in my house and there was a moth on the wall and it was huge and it kept turning its head towards me and imitating a parrot. (The idea was that some insects can camouflage so they look like other things, like that owl butterfly or whatever, now this one kept turning its head into a parrot head in front of my eyes it was Terrifying.) And it was also attacking me like spitting at me and stuff.

The third dream that was just now was a bit better. I actually messaged my classmate on Facebook to ask him about uni (is he even going anywhere? I know he got a degree… maybe I should stop being an anxious idiot and fucking ask, he liked my damn eye photo on instagram it’s not like he’s forgotten who I am since we last talked) and then asked him about the funeral and also if he could tell me afterwards where the grave is so I could visit it, and I shit you not…

Remember that dream of mine from not that long ago when it turned out my dad’s been alive all this time? Yeah, so my classmate asks “can he call you?” and in Hungarian that sentence could be finished to mean “can I call you?” so I was like what? Can… my form master call me? Cause I’ll be honest ever since we found out he died, and that was my first reaction too, I would absolutely accept if this was a really fucking dark prank on everybody. I would accept it in a heartbeat. Anyway that was my first thought there too like, I fucking knew it, he’s alive, he’s faked his death and he’s going to call me. But I didn’t want to be overzealous so I just told my classmate I’m more comfortable texting.

What a fucking mess.

And then I dreamt, which was the good part, that my sister and I went to Sziget festival (but it didn’t look like Sziget in my dream :() to see NBT and we saw Conor’s fucking bleached hair somewhere in the crowd so we started to follow him (no idea why, I wouldn’t do it irl) until eventually we lost him and then the concert started getting closer and we couldn’t find the stage and we had to walk around the entire festival and we even somehow left the area so we had to check in again and there was this huge ferris wheel and we just couldn’t find our way back to the festival, it was fucking awful! cause we couldn’t be frontrow!

Anyway in one of the windows of the buildings we passed by trying to get back to the festival we actually saw Conor, brown-haired again, and I was like wtf dude we’re going to your concert, why aren’t you there? And he was like “it’s cancelled again cause I’m not feeling too great mentally” and I was like “same”, and I like, patted his pinkie with my pinkie to comfort him, it was awkward.

Conjunctivitis confirmed.

Alright, let’s work with this. A good thing is that I’m literally forbidden from physically meeting and contacting people which means I can dodge most of this twin town event that’s happening. A bad thing is I still have a lot of stuff to do for it but in theory I’m also forbidden from looking at screens and generally forbidden from looking at things in any amount of light. A good thing is I have sunglasses to sort of dodge this as well so (Y) 

THE OTHER BAD THING IS I can’t see out of my left eye aaahhh

Anyway, at least it’s not glaucoma eh?

I just can’t bring myself to work right now. I think I’m developing conjunctivitis, my eye’s been stinging since morning and now the crying too, it’s all a big mess. I’m really tired, maybe this is my body’s way of saying it’s had enough.

I just talked with my grandma about a class reunion the other day and how I wouldn’t go because the only good thing about high school was my form master. I had several conversations planned out in my head for when he would ask if I’d go to the reunion, just trying to find a way to not disappoint him and in every scenario I imagined he would understand if I told him why I couldn’t do it.

The first thing in high school we had was this week-long camp where we were supposed to gel with our classmates and build a base to go on when we would start school. Immediately on the first night I became sick and he had to rush me to the emergency and he gave me a red bucket to throw up in and we joked cause my PJ’s were red too, and we were listening to Johnny Cash in the car.

When I had my spine surgeries in 2008 and I went back to school in 2009 he was so helpful and said he would help me with anything I needed and my getting better was the most important thing. I’m actually convinced he told my other teachers to go easy on me because they never called on me to give a presentation, they let me be during class participations, it was almost ridiculous. 

When my classmates bullied my then-best friend into changing schools and she and I went to him to tell him my friend would leave school he turned to me and said “are you leaving too?” cause he knew she was my only friend and I said I didn’t know and he said he would fail as a teacher if he let me leave too, so I never left. I wanted to change classes too, you know we had class A and class B and there were some guys in class B I got along with okay but changing classes would’ve meant BB would no longer be my form master.

If I ever partook in any community event it was because of him, because he was awesome and I didn’t want to let him down. When he was asked (because he was an English language teacher) which student of his spoke the best English he said it was me because I just used it in a really natural way without even thinking about it and that was my proudest moment, that was in year 13.

He was obsessed with zombies (and scarves) and we joked a lot about how he was going bald so young. 

Idk if you guys have that in other countries but in Hungary we don’t have year books we have this huge board (we call it tableau but when I google it it doesn’t show what I mean) with photos of the students in that class and every teacher who taught us, and well ours was zombie-themed obviously and it was all his idea. The background was a post-apocalyptic version of our town.

We had our regular photos taken but they were kind of elevated from the board and behind them was a mirror and on the other side of our regular photos we had zombie-versions of ourselves so if you looked in the right angle you could see a class full of zombies. (I actually have a photo too, hang on.)

Our prom dance was a traditional waltz and then a mash up of cool pop songs at the time, including but not limited to Party Rock Anthem and Waka Waka, in addition to Thriller (obviously, cause zombies) and he even had a part with one of the girls where they reenacted a scene from Dirty Dancing (the part where Patrick Swayze lifts Jennifer Grey above his head), and on our last class trip (to which I only went because of him) he got a bit wasted and people were scattered but I was ready for bed (because I’m cool) and he was in the dining area on his own drinking and singing Fuck Her Gently by Tenacious D x)

That was the class trip where I actually had my Only Sip of Alcohol when we took a trip to this miner statue in the middle of the night and we all passed this bottle of champagne around (the brand was BB because his nickname was BB (because of his initials)) and I had a sip for his honour. I even stood up next to the statue and held a very brief speech about how if I could do those five years again I would, and change so many things about it but right then and there I was having a really good time. I wanted him to know that I was having a good time but I didn’t want to lie about having regrets.

He was relentless about making me believe I had talent for film-making, or at least having cool ideas for short films. I think he entered my Media A-levels project in a competition, I still don’t know if it won anything because I was too embarrassed about it.

At our banquet we all officially agreed to start using the informal you with him, though most of my classmates already did but I just couldn’t get myself to do it cause he was a teacher and I was a lame embarrassing kid. He even called me out on it when I used the formal you for him later. I think I actually have an unanswered message from him I’ve been too embarrassed to open. I never stopped feeling bad for still letting him down somehow, though I imagine he had bigger worries in his life later.

He got engaged to his girlfriend last year. He had his birthday a few days ago.

He had a soft voice and a gentle smile and he was too young.

People in my fucking village: “I really need information from the mayor’s office. Oh I know! Instead of calling the office directly during business hours I’ll write them a Facebook message at 10PM.”

Alright in a bit I’m gonna get my coffee and get back to work but I just want to write a quick list of all the things I have to get done before… oh god… before several deadlines, and they’re all different omg.

  • print all the nametags and put them in their little holders, and also print extra nametags for all of the groups cause some motherfuckers won’t have signed up beforehand and they’ll need nametags too
  • put the little flyers for the extra event in the brochures and organise them into Piles
  • make 4 posters for the librarian
  • make a montage for 4 conferences
  • make a montage for the time capsule
  • put the posters on the website and Facebook
  • make separate pages for the, the thingies we have to send in, nvm I know what I’m talking about
  • write the founding document of that thingy in Two languages
  • catch up with 2 months worth of 6 work journals
  • copy a CD for a co-worker

It’s not actually that many items for a list but just the four posters take hours and my computer is slow as shit so the nametags take HOURS too, and the montages…. uhhh anyway, I’m dedicating tonight to the nametags, the posters and maybe collecting images for the montages……… that’d be swell if I could cross those out……. dear LORD. I’m gonna need a cappuccino.

I’m so happy Broken Machie came out last Friday and not this Friday cause I couldn’t do this whithout it.