Tag: mediocre young adult

Vale

Also, this is another thing that might seem stupid but lol I’m already crying just thinking about it but Vale’s been so important to me this year? I started writing it a year ago after NaNoWriMo 2016 and for some reason I just kept going? It’s the first thing I wrote over a longer time that I enjoyed so much and I called it my comfort project but still did it for Camp NaNo and it still remained something I did to calm down and turn my misery into creativity. And when my NaNo project failed I still turned back to Vale even though I sort of gave up on it halfway through the year. 

All the characters and the stuff that happens in that story, they’ve been in the back of my head every single day like weird imaginary friends. And I’m just so happy for it? I’ve been alone a lot this year but there was always Caelmoor to go back to. Even though it’s a pretty corrupt place covered by a flesh-eating disease but I mean, we’re working on it, okay?

It’s a weird feeling. I’ll finish the second draft soon and then I’ll try to get people to read it??? EeeeehhhhHHH? At least to get some feedback on my child.

2018

I know this sounds like… really stupid but I’ll make an active effort… to not be a negative shithead next year. I promise I’ll try to not post that much negative comment, I’ll shut up when I want to ruin positive posts, I won’t argue with self care posts (even though they’re bullshit cause they don’t work for me even though I never even try caring for myself) and I’ll try to care for myself. I really will.

I’m not saying I’ll stop doing these things but I’ll try. I really will…..?

2017 was off to a terrible start, right out the gate, and it pretty much defined my entire year. It was tense, it was sad, it was honestly terrible, but I can’t ignore that I was so lucky to have had a whole arsenal of positivity to help me survive.

Starting with embracing my bisexuality a liiiittle bit more (not completely there yet but I’m on my way), my Critical Role obsession reached so far unseen heights and I learnt so much from it, including that I am physically perfectly able to sleep two hours and get up at 3AM to catch the stream live on the internet before and during work.

Then Night in the Woods entered my life, I saw Kensington live, The OA was an amazing experience, Black Mirror fucked me up, I bought a hundred and ten dice for fun, Logan broke my heart, I started playing Overwatch which is actually the first online multiplayer I’ve ever played and I’m not bad at it, I played and thoroughly enjoyed the two last Saints Row games, and then The Wait for Broken Machine began and brought numerous amazing moments into my life (like getting a shoutout from the Radio 1 guy for staying up until 1AM to hear the new track drop)

I could eventually see Bastille live after having to cancel in February, the new Life is Strange game came out, new TLOU content got released, the new Stranger Things season was amazing, NaNoWriMo prep was good, in November my mum, my sister, and I could go to a weekend getaway to a spa/hotel thing that was amazing albeit a little short ;_; I kicked the hell out of NaNoWriMo’s butt, I finally made Brooklyn Nine-Nine enter my life (that sounds way too sexual), and of course the Vienna trip happened where I got to see a favourite band with some favourite friends (I could like individually list every little thing that happened during that trip but it’d be like twice the length of this post) ^^ Also I got a new laptop and played the shit out of Dishonored 2 in December, that was fun. Also December saw the rebirth of my love for Dan and Phil, I don’t even know how that happened but I’m glad x)

I think my depression is getting worse, in April I had a pretty bad breakdown, the worst in my life so far and every day I’m terrified that the next one is around the corner. I can fight my OCD but I don’t know what to do about the depression (don’t give me advice, I know what I should do) and there’s just so much stuff I want to do that I can’t because it’s crippling me. One being talking more to my friends, like actively talking to them not just throwing a short reply their way when they write to me. I want to write more, create more, everything, anything.  I want to get out of here, I want a purpose,

I want to figure out what I want to do with my life, I want to spend time with real-life people, my friends, any of them and all of them, I want experiences and I want more hugs, happiness and laughs, I want to stop putting myself down, I need to stop putting myself down.

And I try, I really do try, I know that’s not what it looks like but I really do. But maybe this arbitrary celebration of an orbit around the sun completed will give me the boost I need. Probably not as I’m back to my soul-sucking work next week that does everything it can to just devour every bit of joy in my life but I need to keep trying. And I will.

And I love you guys, so much, every one of you. Everyone I follow, everyone that follows me that I never followed back cause I’m awful, just all of you, you’re the best and part of my safe place from the big bad real world. When I look for solace, I look to you lot and you don’t even have to do anything special to give me peace, just be. Out in the real world, at my job I’m surrounded by people, never alone yet completely lonely, but on here I’m sitting in my bed all on my own but never lonely.

Okay, I do feel lonely no matter where I am from time to time but that’s just part of the whole depression thing.

Alright, I’ll stop being a fucking emo-fest now, half of this probably didn’t even make sense and y’all prolly won’t even read this but w/e, ilu, bye.