Afterthought but i literally just got home from work and i had a whole ass of a week so this isnt coherent in any way (not unlike most things i write) but my main problem is that im sick, right. i know that. but how can you just go about your day when you’re sick, you have the option to appear as sick as you feel which is a no go because then you wont be able to get anything done, or you pretend, right. but even when i pretend i cant fully pass as normal because im simply not. so whenever i have to get stuff done im compelled to warn the people involved that im not exactly what you would call “normal”. its not so that they treat you differently or that they are nicer to you, its literally a warning id just love to prepare people to not expect me to be normal. and it sucks cause i cant do that because i cant put that on their shoulders, can i now? but subconsciously its also like me expecting some reassurance that im okay to go ahead and be in their space despite me not being normal. but like so many posts on tumblr like to tell me, my friends arent my therapists, i fucking know that, i cant expect them to pamper me and reassure me every step along the way that im not a burden (especially when i objectively am). its my responsibility to be as socially expectable as i can be because its my mess and nobody else should be punished or inconvenienced because i dont know how to sort my shit out.
i wish i was pretty-depressed and cute-depressed like those girls in those american movies id be so much easier to love.
would you guess that this all was triggered by me having to go home the same route another co-worker did today and me desperately trying to somehow make sure we dont leave work the same time so i dont have to be around her on our way home cause i literally dont know how to be with people?
you wouldnt!
Pass Through Fire 