Tag: i ramble

I’m ready for the Sweet Release #6

This week is hard but not because of the diet or the workout but because of my mental state which is not ideal. It’s really hard to get myself to move when I’m hungry and sad but so far I haven’t skipped a day of workout which is still something to be proud of. (Edit from Saturday: How fucking ironic huh… -.-) Also I eat when I’m stressed and I have more than enough reasons to be stressed the fuck out right now so triple props for my steel willpower. Also I have to remind myself that I’m very close to dipping below 80kg for the first time in like… four years which I hope will just give me another confidence boost.

I wish I could try running but my anxiety is keeping me inside which is #sad. My cousin actually goes for a run regularly but her laps around the village are way too huge so even though I would love to go with her I’ve also seen her run and I’d just slow her down so it’s a big no-no. Still I wonder how I’d do at running now that I’ve built the tiniest bit of stamina even though it would kill my spine. I also want to do more dumbbell lunges cause I feel like I can but my heart speeds up so crazy fast I’m scared to do more than 30 :[

Also I should drink way more than I do. I drink criminally little, I should be locked up and forced to drink water all day. Sorry, mum!

Monday – 613 calories (chicken is so good for proteins bruh)
Tuesday – 641 calories (i ate a greek yoghurt and it was nothing special)
Wednesday – 657 calories (fIESH)
Thursday – 579 calories (i was v high and laughed through my whole workout routine AND skipped dumbbell lunges cause i just couldnt)
Friday – 760 calories (i dont know exactly because the salad i had isnt like… i dont have the details for it but :[[[[ im also skipping workout today because im very much in pain a lot)
Saturday – 681 calories, also doubled all my workout since I skipped it yesterday (I might still do another set later in the evening to Satisfy Myself, that fucking salad yesterday tasted like GUILT) so that’s 50 squats, 300 situps, 100 curls, 60 dumbbell lunges, 50 squats again (x 1.5 if I do another one later but honestly my legs are trembling so probably not x)) (edit: i didn’t x) I might do a double today again just to even it out)

So I was 84kg last time so obviously at least 83kg is the goal, but if I could mosey closer to a 82.5kg that’d really fuckin…. man, that’d really activate my dopamine receptors.

AND NOW

the results….

82.6kg o/

image

That’s a whopping 1.4kg gone since last week which is Neat.

I dreamt so much bullshit in the past two days. Last night I dreamt I was 83kg but for some reason I looked like a Skeleton and I was hurting everywhere and I had my bones sticking out and stuff and so I had to hide it from my grandparents and I couldn’t understand how I was still above my ideal weight but somehow already looking underweight so I was like super sad that I had to gain weight again to look better cause that would like, increase my weight, obviously.

And the day before that, and I don’t know where the fuck he came from, but I dreamt that okay, this is gonna sound so stupid, I was going to therapy and Orion Acaba was my therapist for some weird-ass reason and he turned out to be fucking crazy okay? We were in a house I don’t even know and my sister was there and the dude just kept on rambling about… I don’t even remember what but he was fucking pissed at me and he was, he was just insane, like I legit feared for my life. And for some reason we had to sleep over and I slept in the middle and I was terrified that he would hurt me and at one point, listen, it’s a dream okay, at one point he shoved his pointing finger in my ear but it was so violent that it literally hurt in the dream, and I don’t have any explanation why he did that.

Anyway, if you thought that part was weird keep reading cause oh boy.

So I went away somewhere and left my sister with him cause apparently he had no problems with her, and when I came back it was already our house and… so apparently by then he was (I have no idea where he came from I haven’t even watched Critical Role in a while, let alone the earliest episodes of season fucking one o_o) was sedated and also turned into a dog that was like, our dog but he looked like those dogs who try to eat a bee, and I was so sad that our poor dog was like, knocked out on my bed, and then my sister said someone would come to collect him later but then I was like omg what if he wakes up until then and then he actually did (and also turned back into a human o.O) and I was so fucking scared I had to actually hide in our pantry while my sister dealt with him I was terrified.

I’m gonna completely skip workout for the first time since I started my diet because today has been so long and I’m so tired and in pain and I need someone to tell me that it’s okay and I’m not horrible :[

Okay so I had… dreams again.

First of all let me get the part out of the way that I hope @perringwrites will see because I dreamt that the two of us had similar stories going. You were writing a story where a dude and some girl (siblings) were like, astronomers, and they kept hearing something from the Moon and then they went up to the Moon to realise there was a giant baby In the Moon. As in if the Moon was an Egg and the Baby was Inside. In my story my characters were already living On the Moon in a village and then realise in one of the houses in the village… was a giant baby. I got no idea why that happened. ALSO I almost forgot, the fucking… giant baby’s name was Wae Nae in Perring’s story. Mine didn’t have a name. You’re welcome.

Anyway in the dream after that, well, it was still connected because I was like behind a shed in our old backyard and I was watching the sky, you know, for the big Moon Baby, and suddenly a storm came overhead but like so quick it actually looked fastforwarded and a million tiny tiny whirlwinds started. I didn’t have my phone with me but I scrambled to get my laptop’s camera open to film it but I don’t think I got much of it. In the huge storm where I could barely see anything (there wasn’t rain or thunder there was just like, dust n shit) this guy from high school, not the usual one but the other that I sorta had an insult-based ~friendship with (it was fun but I think he did start to mean the insults at one point x)) just came out of the storm and he was like AYYY WHASSUP and we hugged (never) and he explained that he parked his car not too far away and he was fixing something so I walked him there and while he explained that fixing cars like this is his job one of the mini tornadoes started picking me up and carrying me away so I was like ok toodles good for you I’m out, and went back to the shed where I could see my sister trying to find me.

Next dream I remember a bit less even though it’s newer. The point was that my grandma and I were playing Minecraft in like our old living room and I knew there was a Russian base (don’t ask) in the world somewhere but we couldn’t find it and my grandma was super upset because of that. So next day I used spectator mode to go around the world underground and find it and I did find something that I could reason was a Russian base so I showed my grandma and she was super happy.

I also dreamt that we like moved out of our old house (again? lots of old shit in my dreams again. except for Moon Baby. Wae Nae is completely out of the blue) and then I found this girl in my old room who also works in our office (well in the office further down from our office) and I was trying to get ready for work even though it was already 10:15AM and she was telling me about something when my boss arrived and he was like um ok (to me) you better get ready or get some days off what even is wrong with you. That was like one of the dreams I had around 5AM and it was kinda short.

I had a lot more but these are the ones I remember bye.

I don’t know how to explain it but is it a Universal Bi Mood that when people assume you’re straight (as a woman) you just want to Aggressively Refuse that you’re even attracted to men at all? Like I’m not pretending to be gay or anything but just now I had a conversation with a co-worker who noted that my earrings look stupid (they look fantastic, by the way) and I said that I love long “hangy” things (it makes more sense in my mother tongue and is also subtle) and she laughed saying she also loves long things, undeniably referring to penises, and I am attracted to men, I am Very Bi thank you very much but in that moment I could barely hold back saying “well I don’t love those long things at all” as if I wasn’t, and ugh Straights.