Tag: i ramble

as i enter the second and last half of this absolutely shitty VLCD i just… im just cranky yall. its not even so much the missing of the food that does my head in but just people’s opinions that just won’t stop coming. like at one point it goes over the point of “i’m worried about you” and goes into “i know everything about you and your life and will now describe exactly what i objectively think you should be doing”.

like no, you don’t get it. normal diets don’t work on me, i just can’t maintain them. yes, i know exactly how dangerous and unhealthy what i’m doing is. yes i feel fine, no i don’t want you to recommend me diets, please leave.

i dreamt that i was in some sort of spa complex place and jimin was there and he wanted to ask me how he can apologise to the security camera. not anybody looking at the security camera footage but the camera itself cause he did something i dont know.

sanyi got attacked by both a hedgehog and another dog yesterday :[ and now his eye is all swollen the poor baby :[ i didnt dare to go out cause i think it was the neighbour dog and hes very intimidating but i was just about to when sanyi was let go and fled immediately to the door so i let him in of course, he had blood all over him and his eye was all bloodshot and swollen (still is. his skin is very like, stretchy idk so the swelling pulls his eyehole like slightly downward so i dont think he can see out of his right eye much.

but i think hes just scared and a little in pain. when he was so sick we almost lost him he was constantly crying so im hoping its not that serious and will go down in a few days. ill try to disinfect it today but i cant be sure how much hell let me or if hell just feel that im causing him pain and try to bite (hes not an aggressive dog but he will bite out of self-defence). i was thinking that i could pat him a few times on various places on his body, on the left side of his face too so he knows that what im doing isnt bad, and then go to the right side and sort of go from his neck to his face very slowly to see if he starts growling.

dont get me wrong i love sharing my room with my mum but sometimes i wish i could have my own room. like, the room that is “hers”, technically, I’d love to move in there but i know she’d either be annoyed because it’d mean rearranging furniture and stuff or sad/disappointed that i no longer want to share my room with her. (for real balancing their relationship with my grandparents is difficult as it is i shouldnt need to explain how hard it is to juggle her emotions so that sometimes i can tell her things without her getting mad lol. like right now she knows im bummed out that my diet went shit last week and i want to get back to working out more but if i tell her that i cant exercise in the other room because its full of crap she’ll get annoyed with me that i criticise her for not tidying up, but if i start to clean up the crap on my own she’ll get mad at me for tidying up without asking her, or being passive aggressive so like, there’s no winning here). it’s quite a small room but I don’t need much space, just one wardrobe for my like, literally five pieces of clothing that i have, my bed + night stand, and maybe a desk with a chair, that’s literally all i’d love to have in my room.

but she always has so much stuff to do and so much on her mind i don’t even know how i’d get to actually telling her i want my own room.

Hello, I’m Tired #8

So this Sunday marks two months since I started this diet and let me tell you. It sure is effective (though I haven’t weighed myself when I’m writing this). A few good things is that my relationship with food remains unchanged: I don’t see food as the enemy and I only rarely see people who try to get me to eat more as the enemy x) Getting an eating disorder isn’t what I was trying to achieve with this, obviously, so that’s good.

But this week was so incredibly trying and exhausting that I just can’t bring myself to write a big summary of my first two months. So like. It’s bad. Don’t do it. I’m only doing it because I’m really stupid.

Monday: 677 calories (started the day with an ice coffee, what do you know)
Tuesday: 613 calories (i forgot to have breakfast and only ate soup for dinner)
Wednesday: 722 calories (the tasty water i had that day had calories in it so, unfortunate)
Thursday: 622 calories (im hungry, thanks)
Friday: 673 calories (i had some apple juice, unfortunate)
Saturday: 632 calories (i made the mistake of having a cappuccino)

Alright, no gif cause I’m angry, I’m at 79.4kg which means I only lost 1kg last week which is the least I’ve lost in a week so now I’m angry. I was supposed to have a hamburger today but the place only opens at 10AM so that’s a sign that I’m not gonna fuckin have a hamburger today :[

I’m also gon’ go back to working out every day. Cause idk if I said it already but I was skipping every other day this week but apparently it don’t work so…

/sad

I should’ve known, this whole week was cursed nothing good happened so idk why I expected better. Anyway next week’s gonna be like this too cause I’m gonna have so much work to do I’m going to die so I might as well use Hell Week 2.0 to pick up the pace out of pure angst.