Tag: i ramble

heeeeeyyyy im back from mcm comic con o/

it was awesooooome and exhausting and amazing and holy shit there were so many awesome people there (but none more awesome than @good-experience ♥♥) and we saw some cRITICAL ROLE PEEPS TALKING AND BEING AWESOME IN REAL LIFE AND HOLY SHIT and i spent all my money and caught the worst cold and flew for the first (and second) time of my life, and used my cane in public AND somehow didnt dissociate for two days straight (yuss) and im home now and i just want to go back so bad already ;___; ♥♥

Oh god, I’m semi-packed for London after two weeks straight from HELL and NOW I have time to actually start panicking about flying of which I’m quite afraid x)

Yeah idk if I said it here but I’m actually going to MCM Comic Con in London tomorroooowwww! I’ll go with the lovely Helena​ and their friends for hangie outies and to visit the Critical Role panel on Saturday, and possibly, to spend all my money on nerdy shit :33333

I am very. Nervous. Just absolutely fucking panicking left and right. I’m mostly just terrified of dissociating because then I’m not gonna fucking remember the weekend which would be a shame x) Also it’s great. Awesome. That my spine is just so bad after these two weeks. With the three-day thing last week and having to work overtime n having to lift things and bike here and go there this week, I’m finding myself actually unable to breathe because it puts such a pressure on my upper spine that I just can’t bear it.

So that’ll be fun. But I just have to do one day and then on Sunday I can come home and die as much as I want. 

My brain is just absolute spaghetti about English too because I don’t think I’ve actually spoken to real-life native English speakers before x) Apart from the dude in our village but that was like, three sentences. Cause with Ines and Giules and the others it’s like, neither of us are native speakers so it’s mutual grounds ok but I’m right intimidated. It’s much better in writing when I have time to think about stuff. And even then I suck.

But yeah okay so just generally very nervous about being weird and not being able to like, be normal somehow and then everyone will hate me and I’ll be sad. Like I’ve been legit googling shit like “how to be normal around normal people when you’re Very Anxious” today. And after almost cancelling this whole thing like seven times in the past three months apparently one tip for being normal is actually going outside so. Imma do that.

its so haaarddddd to not…. like completely believe that everybody hates me and nobody wants to be with me. and the worst thing of all is that i cant even manage that like when im fighting these bad feelings i never fight to not feel them because its impossible and its never going to work. its just to pretend like i dont believe it. which i completely do. so like… act like you dont want to curl up in a ball and cry because everybody hates you. its the weirdest fukkken feeling……. like… just be normal just for a day, please. just act like you’re not a complete freak.

im glad that i get the bus money back from the three-day counselling ive just been through but the standing, the bus travel, the sitting on that horrid chair for three days so majorly fucked up my spine id rather be compensated for that but i feel like that would be way too expensive for anyone

I’m Stressed Out #11

This week I was Stressed Out.
And then. Yes.
Not even because of the diet that’s like… my frustration with my diet is the byproduct of being stressed out because when I’m stressed out I eat and now I can’t even eat so I’m just silently dissociating.

Monday: 549 calories
Tuesday: 479 calories
Wednesday: 574 calories
Thursday: 574 calories
Friday: 580 calories
Saturday: 572 calories

73kg would be GREAT. But even 73.3kg would be great cause that’d mean I officially lost 20kg since I started this in August. So, in under two months… which is a bit crazy but oh well. I’ll try not to get my hopes up (again) cause last time was a bit iffy with having lost 2.7kg in one week theoretically so I think at least one of my latest weighings could’ve been inaccurate.

…

Oh my god are you serious, I’m 73.4kg x) So officially I’ve lost 19.9kg so far x) alright, fuck off.

image

im v eccitted about having my own room in the spring 🙂 i also want to paint the walls so now im just thinking… what do you have to have in a room? x) like ive been living on a bed for a really long time, what you guys got in your rooms that make it like, yours?

– slept like garbage
– had a dude’s knees in my spine the whole bus ride
– bus ride
– had to make awkward conversation with a girl i didnt recognise
– had to sit in a miserable chair the whole day
– cried in front of strangers (Y)
– was embarrassing in front of strangers
– had to bike to post office
– got my packages but the posters turned out BAAAD so i wasted money on nothing (the notebook is actually p nice im just stressed about filling it now cause i dont want to waste it ;_;) AND i have no posters :[
– my bike went to shit so I had to walk to the pharmacy and the office
– some dude wanted to talk to me and it was way awkward
– this other dude stopped me on my way walking home to make conversation and it waS AWKWARD
– i had to walk back to the shop to get food cause at this point its 3pm and i still hadnt eaten anything
– pain
– thats it