I’m about to try the absolute impossible and do something to my best of 2018 list :’D It always looks pretty bad and if you’ve followed me for longer than a year (in which case I am truly sorry) you know I always start complaining about how much I’ve neglected updating it but I mean…
…..I haven’t even entered a single aLBUM YET?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Me: *is woozy in the car due to serum x*
Grandma: but that’s like taking drugs isn’t it?
Me who finally feels a little relief from chronic pain even: yES IT IS
lol just told my mum about the latest case of people at my workplace exploiting me and she was like, you should find a new job youre capable whatever blahblah and im like “yeah but first i need to fix my brain” and she was like yes please start having a better attitude
and im like
no mother
i mean i want to go to a psychiatrist
i Need Help
Unfortunately I’ve just had a big poop and that means I had a lot of time to think on the toilet and I had to philosophise about life again so here’s the fucking thing my dudes. Disclaimer: I don’t think any of you should read this because it’s very negative but I feel like if I keep it in myself I’m going to suffocate. Also please understand that I don’t expect you to try to comfort me or tell me nice things, this is really just to get this fucked up shit out of my brain.
As you may already know, I don’t have many friends in real life. My sister and her boyfriend, latter of which might just be the actual best friend I’ve ever had that isn’t my sister (who’s like, literally my everything ♥) and like three ~fandom friends that I do deeply care about but can’t for the life of me figure out how to stay in touch with……….
And I’ve probably said this too before but every time I see people having fun together or like be in relationships even if I know those people to be lovely and deserving of attention and care and love I can’t stop being at awe like… what are you guys talking about? What are you guys doing together? And why would any of you care enough to spend time with each other?
And that’s cause fucking high school and this rotten village taught me that nobody cares. Nobody’s ever cared about me here. Nobody’s ever cared about anything other than themselves here and it’s just so completely fucking ruined me it’s incredible, because I let myself fucking believe it. To the point where if anyone shows care for me I’m just convinced they either want something, or they’re fake, or they’re just dumb because they haven’t learnt yet that they’re not supposed to give a shit. But I’ll show them.
So I went to London not that long ago, right? My wonderful friend Helena offered their house for me to stay in. I met their parents, they’re very nice and they’re really cool for having me in their home, I met their friends, two lovely girls and I’m just fucking terrified the whole time, of all of them. They’ll fucking… mock me, they’ll laugh at me, spit on me, they’ll throw rotten food at me, they’ll just… I don’t know why they would do that but that’s how shit went in high school, you know?
Every time I was aked about something or someone was paying attention to what I was saying I needed to smack myself in the face cause… are you seriously showing interest in something involving me? What are you, stupid? Nobody cares, haven’t you got the memo?
We went to this panel for a thing at MCM Comic Con and one of us went outside of the venue or the room or whatever and they weren’t being let back in because the venue reached capacity or whatever, even though their seat was still there. But they had a friend already in the venue who heard this and immediately stood up and gave his place to his friend. Without so much as giving it a second thought.
My little mind was being blown to fucking smithereens. What a nerd, right?
So then, the panel begins and members of the audience line up to ask the cast questions. This dude to my right whom I didn’t know kept saying “wow, that was such a good question” every time and his voice was just so genuine that it was seriously heartwarming. But every time the little gremlin that lives in my brain was like… did you just compliment a complete stranger for something as trivial as a question? Why do you even care? Aren’t you like jealous of them that they got to ask the cast a question and you didn’t? Or don’t you think their hair looks stupid or that they should wear more makeup or they’re fat or whatever? That’s the stuff normal people care about.
And… this is fucked up. I know there are good people out there. I know it, I see it everywhere. It’s just that… nobody’s ever given their seat to me (I’m using this as an example because its poetic n metaphoric I don’t have any jealousy or bitterness in my heart about a dude giving his seat to our friend, if anything it was the cutest shit I ever seen ok pls understand) and by the time someone would’ve (and they actually did, on the tube, two people at once stood to give me their seat, they don’t even know that they rocked my Entire World So Hard) I let the very limited and small world I’ve been trapped inside make me believe a gesture like that could never be honest and real.
God, that’s fucked up.
And I think I get jealous of people who know and believe people care about them because I have to make myself believe they have something I don’t. I’m ugly, that’s why I don’t have friends. Or… something else, surely. I’m not good at this and that, that’s why I don’t have friends. That’s why I haven’t found love yet, right? I have to, because if I admit to myself that the reason I’m so socially and emotionally crippled is because not only did I let myself be ruined by fucking high school and this fucked up, conservative, braindead village but then also did their job (of destroying my life) for them, then I’d also have to admit that I’m probably hopeless and will always be alone.
These thoughts were seemed very coherent while I was pooping but then doesn’t everything? Either way I’m not about to read it all back. If at any point I sounded like I was angry at anybody other than myself (and my high school bullies and the people that are constantly putting me down and making me feel worthless and like there’s nothing about me that’s worth loving and caring about :3) then it wasn’t my intention and I apologise and I love you and I smooch your cheeks.
If anything these wonderful people that display these insane acts of kindness are the reason I haven’t given up on life just yet and I only wish for the most possible happiness for them.
Bitch, the thought of being this lonely for the rest of my life…
that’s kinda sad my dudes
I missed a week, idk what to call this.
So as it is now past November 3rd I’ve officially been doing this HELL DIET for three months. I missed my weighing last week because I was in frikKEN LONDON YALL and I also had three sin-days. Okay, two of those weren’t very sinful but one WAS so I’m extremely stressed out over what I’m going to see tomorrow.
This week has also been incredibly stressful so I may have sacrificed solid foods for comfort stuff. Like I would eat so much soup just so I could save calories for a cappuccino or a coffee at work. Never with sugar, but it wasn’t exactly FOOD FOOD so idk how that affects my digestion. Either way I’m freaking out as always. I would like to be 71.X but I don’t know how much of a chance that has. If I’m still above 73kg I’m just straight up throwing myself off a cliff for ssssSSHHURe.
October 22nd: 564 calories
October 23rd: 565 calories
October 24th: 838 calories, I have no idea what happened here… probably chicken
October 25th: 683 calories, I miscalculated dinner terribly horribly ugh
October 26th-28th: SINFUL DAYS
October 29th: 626 calories, corn is the devil
October 30th: 677 calories, sTOP ME FROM EATING CORN
October 31st: 712 calories, work was so stressful I actually had to ice coffee. i just needed something to taste or i would’ve gone crazy
November 1st: 648 calories, why am I literally the worst
November 2nd: 597 calories
November 3rd: 609 calories
End me…
Here’s a gif regardless of what the result is because it’s good for my mental well-being.
Yaaay, I’m 71.6kg o/ so I lost 1.8 which is pretty good in 14 days, three of which were full of Eating. Which also means I officially lost 21.7kg since August. EXCELLENT.
bitch me too
I’d love to make an October playlist but I didn’t listen to a single song in October.
Hairs.
me, having my hair down cause i couldnt lift my hands above my head to tie it in a pony tail: hi
co-worker: oh i love your hair like this!
me: thanks i couldnt lift my hands above my head to tie it in a pony tail
I was last at work on Thursday last week and I had two jobs to take care of. One was a poster I had to send for an event on November 11th and the other was something for another event on November 8th but the one for the later date was more important so my boss told me I can’t even go home until I’m finished with it. (But then they also started closing the building so I had to pick up my work laptop and finish work at home :3)
I finished it, yay!
So today when I’m at work again I start taking care of the usual business, birthday postcards (don’t ask) which need to go out on Tuesday or Wednesday (latest), then I have a consultation with my boss about the November 11th thing, he also gives me another task connecting to the November 8th thing, commissions me to make a whole-ass graphic for the November 11th thing too, so I start working on these.
Ten minutes later I shit you not this was at around 9AM (I start work at 7:30) he enters my office to tell me I need to find certain papers connecting to a balls-old process about a dude getting hurt on the worksite (where he wasn’t supposed to be so it’s quite illegal and mehhgfdkhlfjdklsg) which happened like, before my time, because it happened in 2016 February and I’m only doing this department since 2017 May, and the papers connecting to the case are from fucking 2015 March when I wasn’t even working there. So anyway, he tells me to find them, then I don’t, because our office just had a re…doing… whatever, and so even the girl who was doing that department at the time couldn’t tell us where the papers are because it’s all been fucked up since.
So at around 10AM I’m like fuck it, I need to make some progress with something so I go back to the other projects, then my boss comes in and tells us (three of us in one office) that nobody’s allowed to do any other work until we find the papers. He literally says the words “this overwrites every other job you have” to my face!!
Shit you not we spend the whole fucking day searching through every nook and cranny of the damn place, people from other offices are helping out too, it’s that big. So it’s past 3PM now (work ends at 4PM), we find some papers but others come up that need finding as well that we just absolutely will never (because they don’t exist because the dude wasn’t supposed to be where he was when he had an accident whaaahhh), the notary (my secondary boss) makes me do some more paperwork connecting to this case, it’s a whole thing, at this point the three of us in the office are laughing out of misery, it’s… you know, it’s actually quite a bonding experience.
My boss (the primary one) enters the office several times and sees me look for the papers even way past 3:30, right, he sees me working alongside the notary.
So then at 4:07 I’m taking my Several Coffee Cups out to the kitchen, having given up for the day as the office is about to close and all. So fuckin… let’s not even mention my spine hasn’t had rest in over two weeks and I was lifting heavy documents and leaning forward and squatting the whole frikken day which is LOVELY… so I walk past my boss’ office on the way to the kitchen and he’s like “how’s it coming along?”
And I’m like… “what’s coming along how?”
And he’s like “whatever you were doing all day”.
*inhalation*
bbBBBBIHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So I tell him we’ve been looking for the papers since 9 FRIKKEN AM. And he just looks at me like I was supposed to simultaneously work on the other projects while turning the office upside down. I swear he thinks I do nothing all day.
This damn 4-day weekend can’t come any faster but in the same time I have so much stuff to get done before ;_; Also to not even mention my primary job in this office is organising our manual workers’ days off, their attendance sheets, making sure their salary reflects their sick leaves, their absences, whatever, making sure the damn… work… journals are all filled out (I have journals from MAY I haven’t filled out yet okay??????? I JUST DON’T HAVE THE TIME!!!) and I… I just can’t… it’s too much, I’m just so done ;-;
Pass Through Fire 