i ramble – Page 17 – Pass Through Fire

oh man i envy youtubers that get to take “as much time as they need to recharge until they feel better” (obviously im not saying they shouldnt im glad they get to but i just envy them) like imagine if i just went to my boss’ office and said im not feeling myself these days and i really feel like i need to go away for a bit until i feel like i can take on my responsibilities once again lol

Me: I’m gonna ask something but if you don’t know the answer right away please don’t jump up immediately and go crazy over it okay? where’s that bag I always take with me when I go out? or any other bag that’s not my work bag?
Mum: *jumps up immediately and frantically starts searching for it*
Me: any other bag will do, just a plain sack will be fine.
Mum: *pulls all the bags out of the wardrobe and slams things*
Mum: and you need that one specific bag right now two minutes before you leave?
Me: ……………………………

post i actually wanted to see after accidentally refreshing my feed: disappears forever into the void
post i refreshed my feed to get rid of: is mysteriously pinned to the top where i have to repeatedly see it every time i load the page

Love those clients that start talking to me about commissions then halfway into talking they think to ask if I even have the time to receive their commission.

I love it when cars park on the bicycle lane so I have to go bike on the pavement if I, you know, don’t want to get hit by cars, and the dude that gets out of the car to get on the pavement is like beyond outraged that I dare bike on the pavement. sUCKS WHEN VEHICLES OCCUPY LANES THEY’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO INNIT

I dreamt that I backed up into some girl’s car while leaving my parking space and got sentenced to one year in prison. Nobody even got hurt just some glass broke. And I was so sad cause one year is a long time and I wanted to google if I can get released sooner if I behave well but there was no wifi in prison. But then every night you know we had to like line up to get served dinner and every night the prison brought in a famous person to hand out portions and that was like our one reward for behaving nice. And the first night it was Chris Evans and the second night it was Chris Hemsworth (also shirtless which is honestly a bonus). And the first night when it was my turn I tried to tell Chris Evans that I got sentenced to one year in prison for backing up into someone’s car in hopes that he would use his celebrity power to get me out but he wasn’t really picking up what I was putting down :[

And the third day I found some drug that was some black powder and I got high on it somehow because it was following me in this big black cloud of _DRUG_ and then the prison crew like… security people were looking for whoever was keeping drugs and I was like high off my tits trying to hide a levitating cloud of black powder.

And then I woke up in genuine distress that I was gonna be in prison for a year.

And then later when I could fall asleep again I dreamt that I was watching an orchestra on stage and the cymbals were so loud I kept like trying to tell the conductor to tell the cymballist to be quieter but he wasn’t paying attention to me.

And then my mum irl entered the room and scared me awake and then we talked a bit while I was like still trying to get my head right from being interrupted in my falling asleep, then she lied down and fell asleep. And now I feel like absolute death warmed over and I can’t fall asleep again not just cause the moment is gone but also cause I gotta like, go get food at around noon and I don’t want to be asleep by then only to be scared awake again by my grandma’s phone call telling me to go get the food.

I can’t explain how much I miss writing but I just can’ttttttt do it. I gave up on my latest idea as well cause I no longer give a shit and I have like thirteen new ideas since then and it’s so exhausting it’s like I’m hyperventilating IN MY BRAIN I just miss writing and I miss having a good idea and I miss being interested in something.

ill say this again though, three years between albums isn’t a hiatus okay? 😀 like if you release an album in 2015 you probably tour with it into mid to late 2016 right, then if you release an album late 2018-ish you spent two years resting after touring then making an album, that’s a perfectly reasonable time to take a break then create a new album like the album will have been ready way before release and a good chunk of that time will also be spent with readying up for another tour and like creating visuals and swag for the new era its a whole thing yall give it some time

Sometimes I think back to that pseudo-boyfriend I had when I was fifteen and how when my leg was in a cast from top to bottom and I had to move home from the student hostel for my recovery he came to my dorm to help me pack and I also was in a skirt I believe because of my cast that I had to put on while he was there. And then later after we “broke up” (I hate implying we were in a relationship like we were but thankfully we did nothing relationshippy not even kiss or anything) I found out he and the girl he was already dating while we were still “together” were laughing about how he saw some of my pubic hair under my knickers when I changed and how disgusting it was.

I was fifteen.

I was in a cast.

That kinda stuff fucked me up so much as a kid it’s incredible no wonder I hate my own body.

I’m also legit thinking about coughing up the money for a daily ticket at Sziget Festival. Saturday specifically when on the main stage Bastille and Mumford & Sons both perform after one another.