Tag: i ramble

Afterthought but i literally just got home from work and i had a whole ass of a week so this isnt coherent in any way (not unlike most things i write) but my main problem is that im sick, right. i know that. but how can you just go about your day when you’re sick, you have the option to appear as sick as you feel which is a no go because then you wont be able to get anything done, or you pretend, right. but even when i pretend i cant fully pass as normal because im simply not. so whenever i have to get stuff done im compelled to warn the people involved that im not exactly what you would call “normal”. its not so that they treat you differently or that they are nicer to you, its literally a warning id just love to prepare people to not expect me to be normal. and it sucks cause i cant do that because i cant put that on their shoulders, can i now? but subconsciously its also like me expecting some reassurance that im okay to go ahead and be in their space despite me not being normal. but like so many posts on tumblr like to tell me, my friends arent my therapists, i fucking know that, i cant expect them to pamper me and reassure me every step along the way that im not a burden (especially when i objectively am). its my responsibility to be as socially expectable as i can be because its my mess and nobody else should be punished or inconvenienced because i dont know how to sort my shit out.

i wish i was pretty-depressed and cute-depressed like those girls in those american movies id be so much easier to love.

would you guess that this all was triggered by me having to go home the same route another co-worker did today and me desperately trying to somehow make sure we dont leave work the same time so i dont have to be around her on our way home cause i literally dont know how to be with people? 

you wouldnt!

the problem with “depression isn’t being sad all the time and not being able to think about anything other than how numb and horrible you feel all the time” is that what if it is? what if thats all i do lol how am i supposed to be out in public being neurotypical-passing like this

like i look at people who are open about their depression, look at them be out in public and have fun and stuff and i just cant believe how its possible and im so jealous lol i just want to cry when i have to leave the house even when its for something i actually want to do, how

like i know its not easy and i know just because they look “normal” they havent stopped struggling but they can still do things. i also want to do things. alexa download tutorial for doing things

also idk if its the squats or me eating better but my purple stretch marks are almost entirely gone o_o i still got the white ones ofc cause most of my extra weight is on my thighs but the purple ones are bye-bye

i did all 150 situps without stopping o/ okay, okay i know, i knew going into situps that the most you can get out of doing situps regularly is for situps to get easier to do x) but im still proud of myself :3 i also got my dumbbells in the mail so i did some curls to warm up. the thing i read said fifteen is recommended for beginners so i did twenty-five because im cocky like that and the first five was like “hah! so easy, who could get tired of this?” and during the last five i had to clench my arsehole so hard it almost hurt x)

and then i did some dumbbell lunges

you know

to get my money’s worth

wow situps went way easier today. i did 200 on sunday (sssh) but i dont want to make that a habit cause OUCH so i did 150 yesterday but today i did 75 without stopping (i’ve only been able to do a 50-set in one go so far, and on august 10th i could barely do 25 altogether so id say thats pretty goooood) so i was like hMMMMmmm im a sztrong boy so i did 175 (i probably did more cause i was listening to mic drop and i was kinda singing along and i lost count a few times)

AND im on my period and i got the super plague again cause i was sitting next to a fan while being sweaty af (which im doing right now as well cause im in too much pain to get in the shower lol) so yay for me!

my dumbbells arrive tomorrow too im excited to you know

do some pumps

do some curls

some curlpumps

you know

pumps

is tumblr being slow or is it my internet?

generally it doesnt seem like my internet is slow, videos load fast, most ever page loads alright but tumblr is struggling (on desktop) is it just me?