ive said it once before but ill say it again now. claiming you’re ace when you still have sex, and claiming you’re aro when you still date, is utterly useless. if you dont experience sexual attraction then dont have sex. if you dont experience romantic attraction (which imo there is no difference between the two) then dont go on dates. otherwise what is the point of the label
Why is it only okay to police the sex lives of ace people?
if i had sex with someone and they later told me that they werent attracted to me i’d be pissed and feel used.
That’s why you talk and communicate with your partner BEFOREHAND. Jesus, that’s basic human decency regardless of ace status.
whats the point in saying ur ace if u have sex anyways 🙂
Some of us still get boners. Some of us enjoy the intimacy with our partners. Asexuality means we don’t feel attraction, it doesn’t mean blood suddenly doesn’t rush to our genitals sometimes
hate to tell you but that’s just sexual attraction. i know it’s hard for most asexies on this site to wrap their heads around this but something needs to CAUSE that boner. sexual attraction isn’t some magical feeling only the dirty allos get. if you want and seek out sex, that’s sexual attraction. asexuality will never be a spectrum because you either like having sex or you don’t. if you force yourself to have sex for the sake of your partner then that’s unhealthy and extremely damaging to yourself
Why is it that everyone who’s trying to convince me that asexuality is specifically a sex-based identity are people who aren’t ace and therefore can’t understand something not being sex-based?
asexuality is literally the lack of sexual attraction. that’s it. in it’s most basic definition without mogai bullshit, that’s what it is. if it’s not sex-based then what the fuck is it? or are you just going to go “hehehe it’s our exclusive club that only asexy people understand hehe”
this is literally why people won’t take you seriously. you change the definition every time to fit your agenda and claim that non-asexual can’t understand how Special you are
Hi there. I’m going to address both this post and the one you made before it, because you seem to misunderstand a several things regarding asexuality, attraction, and how human bodies work.
[First, I’ll address the points made in the post I’m responding directly to:]
“if it’s not sex-based then what the fuck is it?” – You answered this one already; it’s a lack of sexual attraction. Sexual attraction isn’t based on having, or not having, sex. The way that someone behaves (such as having sex) doesn’t actually factor into who they feel attraction toward or what orientation they are. Can the behavior and attraction and orientation all go together, hand-in-hand? Absolutely! There’s nothing wrong with that. However, behavior doesn’t influence attraction or orientation in any way. This might seem confusing, but think about it in the context of literally any other orientation.
Let’s imagine a gay man who definitely feels sexual attraction to other men. If he wants to have sex with them, that’s great! But what if he doesn’t? What if he’s closeted, or married to a woman, or is someone who is choosing to be celibate for any reason (like to follow religious rules). Does the fact that he isn’t having sex with other men suddenly mean he’s not gay? Of course not, because behavior has nothing to do with sexual orientation or sexual attraction.
Let’s take it one step further: imagine that this gay man is married to a woman. Why? Maybe he married young, while he was still unsure of himself. So, he marries a woman, has sex with the woman, has a couple of kids. Then he realizes he’s gay. Do we say that he isn’t gay because he’s had sex with a woman? Obviously not, because behavior has nothing to do with attraction or orientation. If he stays in the marriage and has a couple more children because he’s closeted, do we say that he isn’t gay because he’s still in a relationship with a woman? No, because behavior has nothing to do with attraction or orientation.
Now let’s imagine a bisexual woman. She feels attraction to lots of different people, but she’s only ever had sex with women. No real reason behind it, because she’s not avoiding men and nonbinary people, but she’s just only had the opportunity for sex with ladies. Does the fact that she’s only ever had sex with women mean that she’s a lesbian? No, of course not, because behavior has nothing to do with sexual orientation or sexual attraction.
Now let’s go back to asexuals. Let’s imagine an asexual person who is also biromantic. They feel no sexual attraction to anyone (that’s the asexual part) but they do feel romantic attraction to people of two or more genders (that’s the bisexual part). Maybe this asexual chooses to have sex, and maybe they don’t. Either way, it doesn’t matter, because the thing that determines a sexual orientation is the feeling of attraction. In an asexual, that can be split so that romantic attraction is felt where sexual attraction isn’t. In an aromantic, that can be split so that sexual attraction is felt where romantic attraction isn’t. In someone who is both aromantic and asexual, neither sexual nor romantic attraction are felt. And none of it requires someone to have, or not to have, sex. Why? Because behavior does not influence attraction or orientation.
“or are you just going to go “hehehe it’s our exclusive club that only asexy people understand hehe”” – Do some people have difficulty understanding asexuality? Sure, and that’s okay. It can be hard for someone who isn’t asexual to wrap their heads around what it feels like to be asexual. But that’s true of understanding any orientation that isn’t yours. I’m nonbinary and bi and ace. I have difficulty understanding how cis gay men feel, but I believe them when they talk about how they feel, and I listen to them when they talk about how they feel, because I recognize that they know more about being cis gay men than I ever will. Why not extend that same courtesy to everyone who has a different orientation than you?
“you change the definition every time to fit your agenda and claim that non-asexual can’t understand how Special you are” – I haven’t changed the definition here at all. (And, for the record, asexuality is neither “special” nor involves an “agenda”.) Asexual still means “the lack of sexual attraction”, just like you said it did. Your problem isn’t in knowing what the definition is, because you do. Your problem is understanding what that definition means, because you’re assuming that attraction must be present for consensual sex to happen (which is false) and that if sex is happening then attraction must also therefore be present (which is false).
Here are some reasons why a person might choose to have sex even when they don’t feel sexual attraction to their partner(s):
some people enjoy having orgasms
some people enjoy giving orgasms
use the endorphins from having sex to help relieve pain (such as from menstrual cramps)
their partner(s) enjoys sex and they don’t mind going along (think of this like “My partner(s) like taking pottery class, so although I don’t particularly care about pottery one way or the other, we go to pottery class together because I want to make my partner(s) happy,” only with sex)
stress relief
some people believe having sex boosts immunity and/or heart health
fun workout
they want to have biological children and sex is a pretty cheap way to make kids, as compared to, for example, in vitro fertilization treatment
use sex as a way to be close/get closer with their partner(s)
use sex to help them get to sleep at night
boredom
anyone who wants to break a “dry spell” by having a one night stand
they’re a sex worker who doesn’t only pick clients that they feel sexually attracted toward
etc.
All of that applies to everyone, not just asexuals. None of that requires that a person feels sexual attraction.
And, while slightly off-topic, allow me to also mention the fact that the phrase “you can’t have sex without feeling sexual attraction” is absolutely, 100% slut-shaming. People can absolutely have sex without feeling sexual attraction, and there’s nothing wrong with that. As long as everyone involved in the sex is a consenting adult, there’s nothing wrong with it, and that remains true no matter the orientation(s) of the people involved.
[And now, addressing the points you made in the post immediately prior (in this reply chain) to the one I’m currently responding to:]
“something needs to CAUSE that boner“ – No. Literally, that’s not how erections work. Ask anyone with a penis if they’ve ever gotten a hard-on for no reason, and they’ll say yes. Sometimes dicks just get hard, even when nothing arousing is going on, even when the timing is awful or embarrassing. Ask anyone with a vagina if they’ve ever gotten wet without a reason, and they’ll say yes. Sometimes, vaginas just get wet, even when nothing arousing is going on, even when the timing is awful or embarrassing. Just because someone’s body is physically aroused (blood rushing to the genitals, etc.) doesn’t mean they feel sexual attraction. Can sexual attraction lead to physical arousal? Yes. But physical arousal doesn’t mean that sexual attraction must also be present.
“sexual attraction isn’t some magical feeling only the dirty allos get“ – First and most importantly, there’s nothing “dirty” about being allosexual. There’s never been anything dirty or wrong or impure or bad about being allosexual. Second, you’re right, because grey-asexual and demisexual people exist. Allosexual means “someone who experiences sexual attraction”. It’s a very broad label, just like “asexual” has a very broad label. Allosexual doesn’t mean that the person always feels sexual attraction, or feels sexual attraction every second of every day. It just means that the person in question has the capacity to feel sexual attraction.
Grey-asexual and demisexual people are interesting, because they’re where the overlap between allosexual and asexual happens. Demisexual: those who never feel any sexual attraction to anyone, ever, until suddenly, after developing a deep emotional connection with someone, they can feel sexual attraction to that specific person. Grey-asexal: those who think that they might feel sexual attraction sometimes but aren’t sure, or those who know they’ve felt it once/rarely but who cannot feel sexual attraction for the majority of the time, even sometimes to the people they’ve felt attraction toward before.
They’re not very specific labels, true. My understanding is that they were made vague on purpose to be inclusive for as many people, having a wide variety of experiences, as possible. But this is all getting off track.
A person who is asexual and who chooses to have sex isn’t suddenly experiencing sexual attraction, because behavior and attraction are not the same thing and do not necessarily influence each other, as we’ve already discussed.
(And before anyone jumps in with “But that can’t be right, because then EVERYONE would be demisexual/grey-asexual!”, please believe that if you think that the majority of people go through life only once/rarely feeling sexual attraction, or that they spend the majority of their lives feeling no sexual attraction to anyone ever until they form a deep emotional connection with someone, then you really need to understand these experiences are not what the majority of the population feels. The majority of the population does have the ability to feel sexual attraction to complete strangers, celebrities, actors/actresses, musicians, some cute guy on the bus, the hot grocery store checkout clerk, etc. No one feels sexual attraction to everyone all the time, true. But if you think that literally everyone could call themselves demisexual or grey-asexual because you imagine the majority of the world feels like you do, and you feel like demisexual or grey-asexual would fit you as a label, then that’s something you should spend some time exploring.)
“if you want and seek out sex, that’s sexual attraction“ – Not quite. I’ll be the first to admit that asking an asexual to describe sexual attraction is a little bit like asking a colorblind person to describe what colors look like, but I’ll give it a shot.
People have described sexual attraction as a feeling that causes you to desire having sex with someone you find appealing, or as a feeling that leads to the desire to engage in a sexual relationship, or as a quick burst of feeling that determines whether or not you would wish to have sex with a person, or as an emotional response to someone you find sexually appealing, or as an appreciation for someone you would consider a potential sexual partner, or as having a directed libido (specifically, having one’s libido directed at a particular partner or partners), or a feeling of attraction based on sexual desire, and so on. There isn’t just one widely accepted definition of sexual attraction, at least not at present.
The one thing we know, despite the fact that there’s no clear-cut definition of sexual attraction available, is that “chooses to have sex with a person” isn’t a defining factor of sexual attraction. You can feel sexually attracted to someone without choosing to have sex with them. You can have sex with someone without feeling sexually attracted to them. This much is clear.
An asexual may choose to engage in sexual relations with a partner or partners, but that doesn’t mean the feeling of attraction must be present, because behavior is not the same as attraction, and it’s absolutely possible to have sex without feeling attraction to one’s partner(s).
“asexuality will never be a spectrum because you either like having sex or you don’t.” – Asexuality has nothing to do with liking sex or not, or with having sex or not. Asexuality as an orientation does mean “someone who doesn’t feel sexual attraction” as you yourself pointed out. But asexuality also functions as an umbrella label, under which demisexual and grey-asexual fit, as previously discussed.
“if you force yourself to have sex for the sake of your partner then that’s unhealthy and extremely damaging to yourself” – Forcing yourself to have sex when you don’t want to is unhealthy and damaging. Choosing freely to have sex because of any of the above mentioned reasons (see the bullet points), or for any reason, is fine. Consenting sex between adults isn’t damaging or unhealthy, no matter what the orientation(s) of the people involved are.
Also, choosing to have sex because your partner likes sex isn’t an “unhealthy and extremely damaging” reason. My sister-in-law doesn’t care about watching sports, but she chooses to watch sports because it makes my brother happy to watch sports with her. My friend doesn’t care about going to art museums, but he chooses to do it because it makes his partner happy when they go together. As long as choosing to have sex isn’t something you’re forcing yourself to do when you don’t want to, it’s not somehow inherently worse than making any other decision based on your partner’s preferences. That’s true no matter what your or your partner(s) orientation(s) are.
When someone who is asexual chooses to have sex, that doesn’t invalidate their asexuality, because behavior doesn’t influence attraction or orientation. Asexuals can consent to sexual behavior just like anyone else.
Also to throw in a note for the aromantic side: some aro people still want life partners. Some aro people still want sexual partners. Some aro people who are maybe on the gray- or demi-sides of the spectrum go on dates to see if they can find a connection to someone they then may develop romantic feelings for. iT’S ALMOST LIKE YOU CAN CHOOSE TO GO ON DATES FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER AND STILL BE ARO AND THAT’S FINE, MUCH LIKE ONE CAN CHOOSE TO HAVE SEX FOR ANY REASON AND STILL BE ACE AND THAT’S ALSO FINE
if you’ve ever left me a message asking me if I’m okay, or liked a post in which I was ranting about my bad day, or liked a selfie, or just anything nice like that- just know that I remember you, I am grateful for you, and you made my day better with your tiny gesture.
Pass Through Fire 