Yesterday I was standing outside after midnight and the Moon was so bright and I just couldn’t help but wonder where I’ll be this time next year. On one hand I like the stability of my current job even though it’s making me really unhappy, on the other hand I’m terrified of anything new even though nothing can be worse than this. And I’m just so incredibly lonely and unhappy. I know I have my mum but the only time I’m with people I like (outside my mum) is when my sister’s home or when I go to concerts with friends. That was literally three times last year. And I don’t know, is this just how life is supposed to be? Like am I naive for wishing I could be around people I love more? Or to not wake up every day with my nerves instantly on fire, thinking about all the stress and anxiety I have to endure that day? And yeah I could move towards what would make me happy but I don’t know what it is though. Yes I like writing but it’s not like I’m gonna be a writer, right? That’s literally all I got going for me. And no I don’t want to be a translator or a graphic designer, I don’t want to be anything. I just feel like there’s nowhere I can go where I can be less sad. Or is it just my depression? I mean it’s pretty bad but my job wouldn’t suck less just cause I have no depression. I just keep wanting to do creative things and I feel like that’s where I should be, where creative things happen but I barely have the energy to respond to the messages from people I love and would love to talk to let alone do something. I just feel like I need a long break, one that’s longer (and involves less phone calls and texts from my boss) than a two-week Christmas break. But I can’t afford to not work, it’s literally no money but what would my mum do without it? And I can’t even say I’ll go through my rebel phase now and run away or whatever cause where would I even go? What would I even do? Plus: my mum! I want to be where things happen not in this godforsaken village in the middle of nowhere but I feel like I’m too stupid and too mentally and physically ill to even wish for something like that to happen.

Maybe I’m just seeing things too bleak but I feel like this whole country isn’t where I should be. I just can’t stand the people, I can’t stand the news (I know they’re not different elsewhere), I just can’t stand most of the culture, the being stuck decades ago, I can’t stand them. This might sound arrogant of me and I’m not saying I’m better I’m just saying I’m different (which also sounds arrogant of me), just that I don’t fit in and I don’t want to fit in (which sounds very Riverdale of me) and I don’t know where I could, if anywhere.